Survival and Guilt

So that bitch, Sandy, blew through New Jersey and ruined a lot of people’s lives.  We survived intact, property and other wise, and experienced nothing more than a few days without power.  We have many friends and family members still without power and so many others throughout this region who have lost everything.  It’s overwhelming.  Having lived through devastating earthquakes and wildfires in California and a few hurricanes on the east coast, I understand survivor’s guilt.  It’s embarrassing to sit here in my warm home, lights on, hot water in the shower, fresh food in the fridge, while watching news reports of sobbing people in towns very near to us as they pick through the devastation of their ruined lives.  We are offering whatever we can – come over and do laundry, charge up devices, eat, sleep – but it never feels like enough.

I’ve been drawing.  While I do love painting, I find that I am always eventually drawn back to my pencils and pens.  Painting still feels like a little more of a technical exercise…I’m still learning the paint.  I haven’t internalized the essence of it yet.  Drawing is second nature to me.  This is not to say that I am any more technically proficient at it than I am at painting, but my comfort level is higher.  My thoughts and feelings are more easily expressed via drawing.  I am determined to get to this level with painting, but sometimes I just have to return to the drawing for a bit.

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